Many of you don’t know me but I have multiple health issues. I suffer from Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid arthritis, Lupus, Interstitial cystitis, ulcerative colitis, chronic pain and fatigue, Osteoarthritis, Afib, Asthma, PTSD, & Depression.
Each day can be a challenge on a taxing compromised body. I have been unable to work since 2013. I’m 42 years old and have already have had a whopping 42 surgeries. Sometimes, I am tired physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. At times, I just break down and give in to the overwhelming exhaustion of my aching body. It’s hard to get a good night’s sleep without waking up or hurting. Some mornings it takes everything I have in me to get up out of bed. It is not unusual to have to lay down during the day. My energy level can be consumed without much exertion. If I try to do too much or more than my body allows, I will pay for several days with excruciating pain. Sometimes, requiring additional treatment because I flare for months. Spasms of pain that can break you onto your knees. Forcing you to cry out may need steroids for a few months to throw off the cycle and hopefully bring a sign of relief. Many do not know this kind of a pain because they have never experienced it themselves. It is difficult to understand how horrible you might feel. They do not see you cry when you are alone. The tears you’ve shed.
I understand you, my friend. Your family and friends may not know. They think there is an easy fix but really what you need is a kind heart with a helping hand. One who encourages you and shows you a hand. Who listens to you? You may feel like you are alone but you do not suffer in silence. I promise. I have you my sister, my brother! Others understand. Those of you who have illnesses you perfectly know what I mean. The days you feel like giving up, too weak to go on. These diseases that hide in you and break you but you push on with a smile. When asked if you are ok? You say, “I’m fine.” As you muster up the courage to keep going. I’m not saying these things to gain pity but to help others understand what a fight it can be when you are sick with an illness that cannot be cured. One that is blind. To you, who are going through this, you are not a victim but are a survivor! Give yourself some credit! You’re still here. I salute you.
What do I do? I pray. I reach out. First to my healer than to others. I fall to my knees and cry out. I talk to the Lord, my God. I ask for the strength to get through this. I ask him to hold me because I’m so weak. I know he carries me. Even when I’m at my lowest the mighty counselor comforts me. He meets me where I’m at. I take refuge in him. Sometimes, I pray without ceasing. I cry for hours as I sing and worship amid the pain that keeps me from him. It puts my focus on him. It’s a way I chose to show my faith, praise, and trust in him. I know he is the remedy. I’m genuine, humble and authentic before my God. I bring glory and priority to the father. Part of my worship, in spirit and truth.
I’m not strong but I have a mighty God who always get me through. I am weak but I can rely on him. I’m not able but he makes it possible. When I’m not strong enough; he is strong enough for the both of us. I just give up and be held. I look up. I talk to him. I ask for relief and my daily bread of what I need. I hold on and don’t let go. You fill me with hope. There, I find my rest. I relax and let peace fill me as I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. The worries fall off my shoulders unto yours. You carry me. I don’t have to be strong enough. I submit to him and let his grace wash over me.
There you are… now I can see you. You were there getting me through. Lord, you are the reason I’m still here. Why I am not consumed. It’s not because of me but because of you. A good, loving, compassionate God who understands. The perfect father and counselor who totally knows me. You remind me of who you are. You know what I need even when I don’t.
When I don’t know what to pray, I say, “You know me, Lord. You know what I need because I don’t. Help me.” I take his hand and I am helped. You are on my side. You are here with me forever inside. Because of your faithfulness, I’m alive. God, you never fail. I believe in you. Thank you for another day. Thank you for the breath in my lungs. Hallelujah.
Upon each new day, let’s start all over, hand in hand. 🙏